Mastering Interaction Dynamics

Breakdowns in communication can cause divorces, family feuds, business collapses, bar fights, wars, and more. We can all feel it when it’s happening. I think that’s our birthright — to know when things are off. However, to understand and be effective at restoring harmony is a complex and hard-won skill.

I trained with the best communication instructors I could find over a period of six years — Ken Anbender, Stewart Emery, Werner Erhard, Marshall Rosenberg, and others. Then I added in what I had learned about energy dynamics from my training in the nonviolent martial art of aikido and began applying the principles in my life. It worked, and I began being asked by other couples, families, schools, and businesses to help them resolve conflicts. I did this with consistent success for over a quarter of a century.

Over my next few blogs, I’m going to pass on, as succinctly as I can, the core principles which I found to be critical to this challenge. Now, of course, just as reading a book on tennis or playing the violin is a far cry from accomplishing all the training that is necessary to be a good player, understanding clear communication is only the beginning of getting good at it. As I’m in my twilight years, I’m committed to leaving the best keys to thriving that I have discovered in order to save other people time and suffering, so at least I want to leave the treasure map to great relationships.

In my consulting work, I always insisted on a minimum of two days to accomplish the needed result with a group. The first day was all training in the core principles of telling the truth and asking for what you need in a way that is authentic and inviting to the listener. Then the second day would be applying those principles — upon which we had all agreed — to clearing the relationships and establishing protocols and policies for successful relating in the future.

I called the training that I developed Interaction Dynamics. I suggested that the key benefits of mastering these skills would be in enhancing one’s ability to:

1. create supportive and lasting relationships;
2. clear up and relieve the stress of a relationship and conflict;
3. be able to produce more effective results with the people in your life.

I suggest that the fundamental principles are almost ridiculously simple and few, and at the same time, can take a lifetime to master.

Basic Needs

Some of the most important needs which most of us deal with on a daily basis are not for food, shelter, safety, survival or even companionship. We seek to fulfill our needs for self-esteem and self-actualization.

We search for recognition, for a feeling of belonging as well as of independence. We want to have a sense of being guided by purpose and to make a difference by being effective in the realization of our visions.

Probably the most common barrier to fulfillment of the needs for self-actualization and self-esteem is incomplete communication.

The incomplete communication can be between oneself and another individual, or it might simply be in the dialogue that goes on within ourselves.

The internal dialogue may be the most important communication that takes place. It sets the tone for how we interact with another. Being clear about what we feel, think, want or have to offer, enables us to communicate accurately and completely with others.

Interaction Cycles

“Communicate: To make known;
to be connected, to join”
— Webster’s Dictionary

“The fundamental law of the universe is rhythmic, balanced interchange.”
— Walter Russell

There are just two fundamental whole cycles of interchange between people: Statement / Acknowledgement and Question / Statement / Acknowledgement.

1. Statement / Acknowledgement:
   Dave makes a statement to Sheryl and Sheryl lets Dave know somehow that the message was received. Examples:
   1. Dave: I think you look terrific.
      Sheryl: Thanks.
   2. John: Mary, please ensure the proper functioning of the “O” rings for this shuttle mission.
      Mary: Sure, no problem.
2. Question / Statement / Acknowledgement:
   Dave poses a question to Sheryl, and Sheryl answers the question with a statement. Dave acknowledges receipt of the answering statement. Examples:
   1. Dave: Can you find me how to send a question to freetothrive.com?
      Sheryl: You just write to [email protected].
      Dave: Thank you.
   2. Dear, will you take out the garbage tonight?
      Certainly I will, honey.
      Thanks, dear.

Few people are trained in the fundamentals of complete communication. Pilots, air traffic controllers, army field units and telephone operators are. Why? Because in their environments, the survival and well-being of the people and/or organizations involved are obviously dependent on successful communication.

Young children instinctively repeat their questions over and over until they are answered in some fashion. A “no” answer is more satisfying than no answer at all. Children and spouses often prefer being abused to being neglected.

The Problem

At the core of every conflict is an unfulfilled need, usually a miscommunication.

Incomplete communications fall into the following categories. A communication has been:

1. Unexpressed
2. Inaccurately Expressed
3. Unheard
4. Misunderstood
5. an Unaccepted Disagreement

These are the five primary types of breakdowns in communication.

Here are some examples to illustrate each of these interruptions in the flow of relating:

Unexpressed

Alex has a need to express something to Sara (or just to acknowledge it to himself) and Alex is either unaware of the need or unwilling to fulfill the need by speaking out.

Example

Alex is angry. Alex and Sara are going to make a presentation this afternoon at a critical meeting. Sara has once again waited until shortly before the meeting to give Alex important information he needs to write a report for the meeting presentation. Alex has not communicated his feelings to Sara or established an agreed upon schedule for accomplishment of their tasks. His body is tight. In his concern about his deadline, he is impatient with his family at home and then with his associates at the office. No one understands why he is like that, perhaps including himself.

Inaccurately Expressed

Alex expresses himself to Sara inaccurately. The correct message is neither sent nor received.

Example

Finally, Alex says to Sara, “It’s really frustrating that you never give me enough time to do my report right!”

Sara throws the papers on the desk and stomps out. The environment for teamwork and creativity are clearly less than optimum.

Unheard

Alex expresses himself to Sara, and Sara does not let the message in.

Example

Alex says to Sara, “Will you talk with me for a few minutes about how we can better work together on these reports?”

Sara, afraid that Alex is going to blow up at her again, is not listening and merely responds with, “Here’s the data,” and walks away.

Misunderstood

Alex expresses himself accurately to Sara, and Sara interprets a different message than the one that Alex intended to send.

Example

Sara agrees to talk. Alex says, “I feel afraid that I am not going to have enough time to do a good job on this report, and I apologize for not letting you know when I needed the information. I would like to set up a schedule that will work for both of us in the future.”

Sara responds with, “I’ve been with the company longer than you have, and a lot of people think I do a great job here.”

an Unaccepted Disagreement

Alex sends a message to Sara which she accurately receives, and either one or both of them is unwilling or unable to accept that disagreement into their relationship.

Example

Sara agrees to talk. Alex says, “I feel afraid that I am not going to have time to do a good job on this report. I apologize for not letting you know when I would have liked to have had the information. I would like to set up a schedule that we both agree to which will work better for us in the future.”

This time Sara says, “I hear that you are afraid and thank you for the apology, but if you don’t like the way we work together, you can just find someone else to work with.”

SOLUTION: Successful communication

If the source of conflict is unsuccessful communication, then what is the nature of successful communication?

Authentic, clear, accurate, responsible (includes sensitivity to other’s feelings) and complete interaction clears barriers to natural rapport and cooperation.

The principles in this guide were informed greatly by my 15 years of practicing, teaching and applying of the non-violent martial art of Aikido.

Meaning of “Aikido”

AI: “The great love, the merging, the being together with”
KI: “Life energy”
DO: “The Path, The Way”
AIKIDO means “The Way of Harmony with Life Energy”

Aikido shows us that there are four ways to interact with a force coming at you:

1. Ignore — you get hit anyway
2. Avoid — like a parking ticket or a lie, it catches up with you eventually
3. Fight — at least you are confronting Reality directly, but the best possible outcome still leaves someone injured or dead
4. Blend and Lead — opens the possibility for real disengagement from a predicament, or harmonious resolution — neutralizing violence without having to injure.

Communication Responses

Similar to the physical practice of Aikido, there are four potential responses when “communication energy” is sent your way:

1. Ignore — No response — through unawareness, forgetfulness, procrastination or as a “consequential” punishment
2. Distract — Indirect reaction. Attempt to redirect the discussion as a means to not respond directly to the original communication
3. Argue — Direct reaction. Response directly clashes with the original communication. At best you “win” over someone else while damaging the relationship
4. Receive and Respond — Communication is acknowledged with direct response. Respectful and fruitful discussion is possible, leading to learning, creative solutions, and pleasant relations.

Like playing a game of catch with a beach ball, only the fourth response keeps the game going, makes it enjoyable and deepens the relationship.

So now we’ve looked at the basics of breakdowns in the wholeness of a natural communication cycle. This understanding is critical for analyzing where the problem lies in a conflict. In my next offering, I will dive deeper into the seven most common errors that create inaccurate, and therefore ineffective communication.

We will look at the difference between thoughts and feelings, how emotions actually work, and how to take active ownership of your own experience and expression. It often seems like the causes of conflict are infinite, but it’s actually a closed set. There are almost infinite shades of color in our reality, but they’re all based on the fundamental rainbow. Similarly, communication collapse results from one of the five incompletions we have covered or the seven inaccuracies we will look into next.

Later I will reveal the key distinctions of skillful listening, a simple step-by-step protocol for clearing gunk out of your relations, the keys to effective interactions for creating results, and my basic communication tool kit for vibrant relationships.

I hope you’re paying close attention… There will be pop quizzes along the way!

Hang in there… Help is on its way!