Mastering Interaction Dynamics: Chapter 2

It’s not enough to have good intentions in your dynamics of interaction. Especially when it’s important, it matters hugely whether or not your words align correctly with your intention, thoughts, feelings, needs, requests, and promises.

Self Expression

If one is willing to speak and listen sincerely in a relationship, then the next key challenge is representing oneself accurately.

Accurate interaction is more critical between people when there is a relationship, a job or an important outcome at stake. Accurate communication is especially critical where significant results are needed or desired.

The following examples demonstrate the distinction between accurate and inaccurate communication.

Inaccurate

It’s hot in this room now. (Who knows for sure? Some people may feel warm, others cool. What temperature is hot? Who gets to decide? Someone would always be able to justifiably argue.)

Accurate

I feel hot in this room now. (I am saying only what is so for me. Who can reasonably argue with that?)

Inaccurate

Tulips are prettier than roses. (In whose perception? How do we know what is pretty?)

Accurate

I think tulips are prettier than roses.

Accurate communication statements fundamentally begin with “I” because that is whose experience is being communicated.

Next comes a description of the process actually going on in the communicator: feeling, thinking, asserting (thoughts backed up by compelling evidence), requesting or promising.

Finally there can be a reference to what the feelings or thoughts are about.

I feel_______about__________________.
Ex. — I feel afraid about you often not getting your reports to me on time.

I think that________________________.
Ex. — I think that we need to make a change if we are going to be effective.

I request that______________________.
Ex. — I request that you have the next one to me a day early.

I promise that______________________.
Ex. — I promise that I will get you that report at least a day early next time.

Whether these words are actually used or not, it is useful to distinguish thoughts and feelings from actual requests, assertions and promises as a means to clear relationships. In doing so, you can have each distinction (think, feel, want, promise etc.) serve the purpose for which it is suited.

Here are several of the most common “energy traps” toward which our cultural habits unfortunately incline us.

“AND” instead of “BUT”

In your conversations, try replacing the word “but” with “and”.  This makes room for multiple points of view, including diverse feelings and even disagreements — all of which are vital to effectiveness, cooperation and well-being. It is like blending in Aikido, instead of resisting the first part of a sentence with the energy of the second.

Examples:

1. I would love to be windsurfing now, but I have to work.
   vs.
   (I would love to be windsurfing now, and I need to work.)
   This one helped ease my inner tension for years!
2. I would love to play the piano, but I don’t know how.
   vs.
   (I would love to play the piano, and I don’t know how.)
   This one freed up my mother to finally take up the piano in her seventies!

Always / Never

The words “always” and “never” are usually inaccurate, and they are often a tip-off to a statement that is intended as an attack rather than as a gift.

Examples:

1. You never get your work done on time.
   vs.
   I request that you be prompt with your work.
2. You are always leaving your socks in the sink.
   vs.
   I have been noticing your socks in the sink, and I would like it if you would not leave them there.
3. I am never sensitive enough to people’s feelings.
   vs.
   Sometimes I have not been as sensitive as I would like to have been to other people’s feelings.
4. You always want me to change but you never look at yourself.
   vs.
   Would you be willing to discuss your part in this as well as mine?

So here is a self-test to help you successfully integrate what has been presented thus far.

Pop Quiz

How would you make each of these statements accurate and unarguable?

Tap or click on each to check your answer.

In our next installment of mastering interaction dynamics, we will continue to focus on accuracy and this time I will reveal perhaps the most important error that we make — using words for emotions which are not actually feelings, but they in fact are designed to suppress our liberating emotions and to blame others as the cause.

Remember, these are all just pieces of the communication puzzle… which create the needed wholeness when combined and mastered.

We will have another pop quiz with the next chapter on emotions. Let me know how you did with this one!